dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
