I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
