she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize