I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
