I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
