shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
