I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
