whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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