I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
