we're chasing vodka with high fives
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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