New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
