My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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