on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
