Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
