i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
