i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
