Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
