Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You don't make any sense
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