i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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