Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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