Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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