Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

Sorry I couldn't get my dick out

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.

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(207): View more from Maine

I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.

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(914): View more from New York

She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.

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(360): View more from Washington

These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold

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