Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
