first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
