i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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