I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
