I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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