I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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