Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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