My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
