Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
