My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
