When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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