i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
