matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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