whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
