The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
