The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
