Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
