A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
