Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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