The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I need moral support for this bender
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
