so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
