I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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