There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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