So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
