Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm passing your future prison.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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