I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
