so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
