Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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