I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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