Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
