i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I am morally bankrupt
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
